Rowhouse Logic - Breathtaking Inanity

Ivanhoe Pale Ale. Brewed by Ridgeway Brewing in South Stoke, Oxfordshire U.K.

Ok, the picture is a little fuzzy. Whatever. This is beer blogging damnit! A distinct lack of clarity is in order, even if nothing else is. In reality, the fact that you can’t clearly see the label is a bit of a shame because it is one of the better ones. Two very postmodern two dimensional Knights mid joust surrounded by heroic phrases such as “It cannot be that in England there will not be found one to fight for justice.” How can you go wrong?

As it turns out, you can’t. Ivanhoe is a wonderful pale ale which Ridgeway describes as “A very English pale ale.” Absolutely the best English beer I’ve tasted since the last time I had a Bluebird Bitter. No matter what sorry condition you find yourself in this fine morning, run out and grab yourself a bottle or two.

That, or do what you were doing. I don’t really care. I just pretend I do, because I assume that will endear me to you bastards.

St Peter’s English Ale brewed by St. Peter’s Brewery in Suffolk, UK.

I’m a sucker for a funny bottle and the ale is nothing if not tasty. Maybe not as cute as baby pandas or glowing pigs, but well worth the trip. For those of you who are into organic foods, this beer is certified organic. As a side note, the unique oval bottle is a replica of one produced in the Philadelphia area in the seventeen hundreds.

La Fin Du Monde. Brewed by Unibroue in Chambly, Quebec Canada.

The beer’s name translates to “the end of the world” and it is one of my favorites. La Fin Du Monde has been one of my New Year traditions since the Y2K Nonsense. Go Figure. Happy New Year!

Christmas Ale, brewed by George Gales & Co. LTD., in Horndean, UK.

I’m not sure why I got away from it this year, but this is my first holiday beer feature in 2005, save for that one on Fitzmas. This ale is named, quite appropriately, Christmas Ale and is a pretty decent, fruity ale. More importantly, the label features Santa, which is an important feature of any self respecting Christmas beer, wine, ale or liquor.

I’m often asked for food recommendations to go with the beers I feature, and since it’s the holidays I’ll oblige. If I were you, and I’m not so don’t get all freaky on me, I’d drink any number of Christmas Ales on an empty stomach shortly after Noon (so as to be respectable), followed by a pot of coffee and a roll of Tums. The Noon part is important, because you might be looking for a job soon and potential employers probably aren’t interested in people who get liquored up at 8:30 in the morning. I will, however, make one exception to the noon rule, but only if it involves the Christmas Ale, or some other holiday beer. Should you receive a few bottles of Christmas Ale as a gift on Christmas morning, you are free to drink up regardless of the hour. Enjoy yourself, because the rest of the day will, in all likelihood, be miserable.

But enough about beer, let’s talk a little about Santa. As you know, the reason we put ourselves through this annual misery is that Santa died for our sins. More accurately, Santa died for your sins. By your sins, I really mean your sins. I know you’ve had a sneaking suspicion about the whole thing for quite a while - a dark cloud in the deepest, dirtiest crevices of your otherwise sparkling mind. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but yeah, this is pretty much on you.

I’m not saying there wasn’t a lot of sin that led up to the poor guy’s demise, but you were the one who pushed it over the top. Do you remember that friend you had in the 10th grade? The weird kid? You know who I’m talking about; he was the guy who had duel American/French citizenship, was a little off and everybody called him “French Boy.”

No?

Okay, let me remind you - he was the buddy whose mom had the real thick French accent, made an unbelievable chocolate mousse and wore high heeled boots along with extraordinarily short leather mini skirts.

Now you remember, don’t you?

Ok, so do you remember that time you were sitting around in your French buddy’s living room, watching a little TV with some friends and she came in to get your buddy to do some housework or something? Do you recall what happened when she left?

No? Well then let me tell you.

The guy sitting just to the right of you said “Dude, French Boy’s mom is totally hot!” You replied “Dude, I would so totally [expletives and references to naughty bits deleted]” Yeah, you remember that right? It got a pretty good laugh?

Well that was one bridge too far my friend, and just at the moment you uttered the word “[reference to naughty bit deleted]” Santa, who was busy building toys in his workshop in Hoboken, burst into flames. To make matters worse, those little bastard elves spent the night roasting freshly killed reindeer over the flaming carcass.

Yup - that was all you kiddo. Don’t feel too bad though, some of this has been reconciled. If you believe what you see on TV, and I almost always do, then you should know that Santa has been rebuilt using spare parts purchased from the black market beyond the moon and is now a robot, or Santabot if you prefer. Apparently, those sexually ambiguous, bastard elves have some sort of a fetish for corpulence, manliness, a jolly laugh and good cheer. If it eases your mind further, you should know that the Santa who died for your sins, wasn’t the first. According to the television, he was originally an ape (Sir Santa of Claus) who fashioned toys from the bones of dead animals and his own feces. One day a year he would hurl these hand crafted “toys” at chimp-like creatures, causing them terrible pain and agony. The “toys” would later be defecated upon, or something to that extent.

The rest is boring.

Deleium Noel, Brewed by Huyghe Brewery in Melle/Ghent, Belgium.

I try to avoid doing the same beer twice, but with Fitzmas coming any day, now is as good a time as any to break out the wonderfully tasty Delirium Noel. At 10% ABV Delirium Noel is sure to add cheer to any indictment party and, yes, those are flying pink elephants pulling Santa’s Sleigh.

My favorite part about Fitzmas is that almost nobody really knows anything at all, so anything is possible. I’m hoping for treason myself. Sure, that’s a bit like hoping to get a Porsche for Christmas, but what the hell? Happy Fitzmas everybody! Let’s hope it doesn’t rain.

Celis White, brewed by Michigan Brewing Company in Webberville Michigan.

This is a very tasty and tangy, Belgian style wheat beer which, at just under $10 a six pack, is a pretty decent bargain. I meant to post this a month ago when it was fresher in my mind, but for whatever reason, didn’t. I decided to point it out now because I can’t think of anything to write and Summer is coming to a close. In my mind, wheat beers are the perfect summer drink and this one would be a good start for anybody who hasn’t tried one yet.

Blue Bird Premium XB Bitter, brewed by Coniston Brewing Co in Coniston, England.

If you ever happen to run across any of the three ales brewed by Coniston Brewery, drop everything you are doing and immediately buy up the entire stock. This particular variety is the only one currently available in my neighborhood and is excellent. The idea behind it is quite interesting, as it is a traditional English ale flavored, very slightly, with American hops. This is one of the cleanest tasting ales I have ever had the pleasure to drink and think the world of it. Keep your eyes peeled for a bottle.

In honor of Live 8, here is one beer from each and every G8 country. From Russia we have Krasny Vostok, from Germany we have Weihenstephaner, from the UK we have Hobgoblin Dark Ale, from the United States we Have Dogfish Head Immort Ale, from France we have Kronenbourg 1664, from Italy we have Peroni Nastro Azzurro, from Canada we have Maudite and from Japan we have Hiachino Nest Weizen. For a large image click here.

Melissa, my wife and I are polishing these babies off and heading over to the concert for a little bit, just to take in some of the madness. I’ll get some pictures and if any are any good, I’ll post them later.

Hefe Weissbier, brewed by Bayer, Staats-Brauerei Weihesnstephan in Freising, Germany.

A nice wheat beer, perfect for a hot summer day on the deck. If you have never tried a real German beer, this beer is a good, friendly one to start with.

Pangaea brewed by Dogfish Head Craft Brewery in Milton, Deleware.

This is really a Malt Liquor rather than a beer, but that’s close enough for our purposes. Tonight is the first time I’ve given Pangaea a try and I’m quite pleased with it so far. It’s brewed with crystallized ginger, but isn’t overly sweet. The ginger only comes out in the aftertaste, and has more of a spicy, rather than sweet, character.

Kelpie Seaweed Ale brewed by Heather Ale LTD. in Stathaven, Scottland.

This is the sort of beer I would generally dismiss as too gimmicky and not even try. Despite my initial reservations, I’m glad I decided to give it a try because it is a very tasty dark ale that I now buy fairly regularly. According to the brewer, the inclusion of seaweed is an attempt to simulate historic Scottish ales made from barley grown on seaweed fertilized fields. Well worth a try.

Midas Touch Ancient Ale brewed by Dogfish Head Craft Brewery in Milton, Deleware.

Hobgoblin Ale. Brewed by Wychwood Brewery in Witney, Oxfordshire.

Saxo - brewed by Basserie Caracole. One of my favorites. I can’t find a working brewery website, but this one has some information and brewery pictures.

The breakfast of champions, Corsendonk Abbey Brown Ale.

Sorry about the nonsense with the silly digital effect, but my wife insisted that I not show another picture of my desk until it has been cleaned just a little. This, naturally, provided little motivation to actually clean the damn thing.

If you can make out what kind of beer that is, I might give you a jelly bean the next time we meet.

Just for the hell of it, and because I wanted a drink.

La Chouffe Artisanal Belgian Golden Ale Brewed With Spices

I’m a sucker for beers in peculiarly shaped bottles.

St. Peter’s Cream Stout by St Peter’s Brewery.

I think I may need to clean my desk.

Sometime last week I walked into Doc Watson’s pub on 11th street because all of my normal bars were way too crowded. Something seemed a little off so I turned around and left. By “off” I mean that it felt a bit like being in a shopping center parking lot on a Friday night when the stores have closed and the kids from a local high school have arrived en mass to drink 40’s and huff glue. Now I know why:

Maybe the doorman fell asleep.

The owner of Doc Watson’s Pub (216 S. 11th) may want to try that line as an excuse for why, say police, there were more than 100 minors inside the bar Saturday morning.

Bar owner Daniel Flynn, 36, was arrested after, according to a police report, locking a large group of minors in his one-bedroom apartment on the fourth floor of the building to hide them from police. Police had initially responded to a call about loud music when they saw underage folks at a bar. They made eight underage drinking arrests and one for posession of narcotics.

Then, say police, Flynn announced that all underage persons were to proceed to the third floor, and later announced they should head to the fourth floor.

Philadelphia police called in the Pennsylvania State Police Liquor Enforcement Control Bureau and the Department of Licenses and Inspections. Liquor Control officers made and additional 88 arrests for underage drinking.

Olde School Barleywine, brewed by Dogfish Head Brewery in Milton, Delaware. Forgive the indelicate language, but this beer is a real motherfucker. I mean that in the best possible way of course. At 15% alcohol by volume (!), you should be prepared to have your behind firmly planted in a chair if you are planning to have more than a few of these. The taste is big, strong and malty with only the slightest indication that Olde School is one of the most potent commercially available beers around. This beer is made in limited quantities and is pretty hard to find, so if you see a bottle, jump on it.