Rowhouse Logic - Breathtaking Inanity

Christmas Ale, brewed by George Gales & Co. LTD., in Horndean, UK.

I’m not sure why I got away from it this year, but this is my first holiday beer feature in 2005, save for that one on Fitzmas. This ale is named, quite appropriately, Christmas Ale and is a pretty decent, fruity ale. More importantly, the label features Santa, which is an important feature of any self respecting Christmas beer, wine, ale or liquor.

I’m often asked for food recommendations to go with the beers I feature, and since it’s the holidays I’ll oblige. If I were you, and I’m not so don’t get all freaky on me, I’d drink any number of Christmas Ales on an empty stomach shortly after Noon (so as to be respectable), followed by a pot of coffee and a roll of Tums. The Noon part is important, because you might be looking for a job soon and potential employers probably aren’t interested in people who get liquored up at 8:30 in the morning. I will, however, make one exception to the noon rule, but only if it involves the Christmas Ale, or some other holiday beer. Should you receive a few bottles of Christmas Ale as a gift on Christmas morning, you are free to drink up regardless of the hour. Enjoy yourself, because the rest of the day will, in all likelihood, be miserable.

But enough about beer, let’s talk a little about Santa. As you know, the reason we put ourselves through this annual misery is that Santa died for our sins. More accurately, Santa died for your sins. By your sins, I really mean your sins. I know you’ve had a sneaking suspicion about the whole thing for quite a while - a dark cloud in the deepest, dirtiest crevices of your otherwise sparkling mind. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but yeah, this is pretty much on you.

I’m not saying there wasn’t a lot of sin that led up to the poor guy’s demise, but you were the one who pushed it over the top. Do you remember that friend you had in the 10th grade? The weird kid? You know who I’m talking about; he was the guy who had duel American/French citizenship, was a little off and everybody called him “French Boy.”

No?

Okay, let me remind you - he was the buddy whose mom had the real thick French accent, made an unbelievable chocolate mousse and wore high heeled boots along with extraordinarily short leather mini skirts.

Now you remember, don’t you?

Ok, so do you remember that time you were sitting around in your French buddy’s living room, watching a little TV with some friends and she came in to get your buddy to do some housework or something? Do you recall what happened when she left?

No? Well then let me tell you.

The guy sitting just to the right of you said “Dude, French Boy’s mom is totally hot!” You replied “Dude, I would so totally [expletives and references to naughty bits deleted]” Yeah, you remember that right? It got a pretty good laugh?

Well that was one bridge too far my friend, and just at the moment you uttered the word “[reference to naughty bit deleted]” Santa, who was busy building toys in his workshop in Hoboken, burst into flames. To make matters worse, those little bastard elves spent the night roasting freshly killed reindeer over the flaming carcass.

Yup - that was all you kiddo. Don’t feel too bad though, some of this has been reconciled. If you believe what you see on TV, and I almost always do, then you should know that Santa has been rebuilt using spare parts purchased from the black market beyond the moon and is now a robot, or Santabot if you prefer. Apparently, those sexually ambiguous, bastard elves have some sort of a fetish for corpulence, manliness, a jolly laugh and good cheer. If it eases your mind further, you should know that the Santa who died for your sins, wasn’t the first. According to the television, he was originally an ape (Sir Santa of Claus) who fashioned toys from the bones of dead animals and his own feces. One day a year he would hurl these hand crafted “toys” at chimp-like creatures, causing them terrible pain and agony. The “toys” would later be defecated upon, or something to that extent.

The rest is boring.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 23rd, 2005 at 12:09 pm and is filed under Beer Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.