Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is
by MelissaApril 25th, 2005 9:38 pm
I’ve always been a huge proponent of therapy. As in psychotherapy. I went to a therapist for a short time while I was in high school and found it to be a very beneficial experience. I never actually saw my diagnosis, if there even was one, but whatever I had went away just about as quickly as it came.
I survived college, occasionally I felt the urge to skip all my classes, stay in bed, and just wallow in misery. I did that a few times, but usually I could pull myself out of the doldrums by talking to one of my friends about whatever happened to be bothering me.
I haven’t been feeling so good lately and I’m not having much luck thinking myself out of the funk. In fact, thinking seems to be sucking me farther into whatever black hole I’m in.
What makes this different than other episodes of depression I’ve had is that I can’t really pinpoint a cause. Yes, my father’s death is contributing, as well as the end of the two relationships that I’ve written of before. All are factors, definitely, but I feel like something else is wrong. I feel incredibly alone, isolated even from people I consider my friends, and just not myself. I’ve never cared much for joining groups, but I’m trying to do the Weight Watchers thing and I hope the belly dancing class will also be a positive thing; if either activity yields a new friend or two, that would be a bonus. Right now, though, I have all too rare moments when I feel the warmth of the sun on my face; much more frequently, I feel surrounded by shadows and no matter where I go or what I do, I can’t seem to escape them.
Tonight the realization hit me. I can’t pull myself out of this alone. All my friends know me at “the strong one”, I can handle everything; but in the past few months, they have seen incredible moments of weakness, tears over things that I never cried over before(men), tears over the loss of my dad, tears over a movie about a goddamned robot who goes to the big city to make something of himself. Stuff that I normally shove desperately behind the facade was hanging out for everyone to see.
So, I’m going to quit yakking about it and I’m going to put my money where my mouth is. Hope to see you all on the bright side of the street someday soon.
April 28th, 2005 at 2:49 pm
Hang in there. These are days where sometimes all you want to do is scream.
April 28th, 2005 at 11:00 pm
The night I posted this, I had a reeeaaaalllly bad day. I’m not feeling great emotionally and have been very up and down for a while, but man, Tuesday was really bad. I do think I’m going to pursue this therapy thing. Sometimes you just need an objective sounding board who is paid to keep your secrets. Thanks for your concern, it’s much appreciated.