Am I A Rock? Should I Be an Island?
by MelissaFebruary 22nd, 2005 1:19 am
The last few months haven’t been easy ones for me. Without giving away any secrets or betraying anything that probably shouldn’t be shared, suffice it to say that I’m having a tough time.
You might be asking, “Why should I care”. Well, maybe you don’t and maybe you shouldn’t. If you’re looking for political stuff, this is not the post for you. Scratch that, if you’re looking for politics, I’m probably not the poster for you. But if you sometimes want to bear witness to someone else’s ruminations on the human condition, you might want to stay tuned.
I don’t think I’ve felt truly and consistently happy in about 13 years. I know that sounds crazy, and I’m sure there were times in recent years when I’ve felt euphorically giddy or at least reasonably happy, maybe for as long as days, weeks, and months at a time. I guess those times are just difficult to remember when the light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed to a distant flicker.
I guess the feelings I’ve been having relate to a sense of disconnectedness from other people (I know, could I possibly sound more cliche?) and I know I’m at least partly to blame. I’ve isolated myself in the past few years. My relationship of 4 1/2 years was dissatisfying and left me feeling trapped. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about the relationship, because I didn’t want to complain. I guess at the same time, I wasn’t ready (for whatever insane reasons I might have had) to end the relationship. Shortly before my father’s illness, I managed to end this relationship. I wish it could have been cleaner and I wish I’d been able to salvage the friendship. Although I’m grieving over the loss of this person at this moment in my life, I hope that somewhere down the road, we’ll be able to talk again.
Around the time that my father got sick, I emerged from my self-imposed isolation chamber and allowed myself an unexpected emotional connection to another person. I’d been shielding myself from emotions for a long time, so letting myself feel something and not being scared to do so was pretty significant. Recently, this relationship too has changed and the sadness I feel is another loss for which I’m grieving.
Compounding all of this was the death of my father. Something inside me, I can’t figure out if it’s my heart or my brain or maybe it’s my own inner Joan of Arc, tells me that my father’s death is all I should have to deal with right now. When I’m walking around the neighborhood with my dog (”the dog” tm David) and the tears come, I don’t even know which situation is causing the trouble. I just know that lately, I’m hurting too damn much. I know I’m strong, I know I can handle it, but right now all I can really say is why me?
Maybe one of my favorite songwriters, Paul Simon, had the right idea. “I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”
February 22nd, 2005 at 1:26 pm
When I lost my father in 2002, it would hit me at odd moments, that he was still dead. Or tears would come, and I wasn’t sure what it was, like you’ve experienced. But it’s actually part of the grieving process. These flashbacks of times with him continued though the years, but not as intense as they were. Other losses of significant people intensify the grief. When these losses are fresh, as a recent one is, they keep playing like a never-ending video or audio in my mind. Like me, you might have a low grade depression that keeps you just under the radar. I finally went on an antidepressant (lexapro) that brings my spirits up to normal. I hope you find peace.
February 22nd, 2005 at 1:27 pm
When I lost my father in 2002, it would hit me at odd moments, that he was still dead. Or tears would come, and I wasn’t sure what it was, like you’ve experienced. But it’s actually part of the grieving process. These flashbacks of times with him continued though the years, but not as intense as they were. Other losses of significant people intensify the grief. When these losses are fresh, as a recent one is, they keep playing like a never-ending video or audio in my mind. Like me, you might have a low grade depression that keeps you just under the radar. I finally went on an antidepressant (lexapro) that brings my spirits up to normal. I hope you find peace.
February 22nd, 2005 at 2:03 pm
Thanks Casey, I appreciate your response. I’ve sort of wondered about depression and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve got a touch. My mother had depression for years before she was properly diagnosed and medicated. I guess my only hesitation is that I don’t really want to get involved with medication unless I also pursue therapy and I suppose that might be what’s stalling me. I’ve always felt medication will give you a boost, but without talk therapy, the underlying issues that cause pain will always be there, rearing their ugly heads at the least opportune moments. I guess I’ve got lots of options to consider, which is always a good thing. :)
February 22nd, 2005 at 6:24 pm
“I just know that lately, I’m hurting too damn much. I know I’m strong, I know I can handle it, but right now all I can really say is why me?”
Hi Melissa - this struck me, because I too have waaay too much crap going on in my life (husband left me, I’m trying to go to graduate school full time, raising two kids, one of whom has autism, recently got dumped by my boyfriend who went back to his wife…) and when I express my sense of being unable to handle it all, many people, thinking they’re being helpful, say exactly what you’ve apparently heard - “you’re strong, you can handle it.” And I want to say, “yeah, so? I CAN handle it, but can you just acknowledge that it SUCKS that I have to??” So my advice to you is to just let yourself feel shitty when you need to, without guilt, and keep reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel that way. Find someone, anyone, a therapist, whoever, who can just acknowledge the pain you’re in, and affirm for you that it’s okay and acceptable to feel the way you feel. Hang in there.
February 22nd, 2005 at 10:38 pm
Hi Ruth, I’m glad you could relate to what I was saying. I’m actually not hearing the “you’re strong” comments from anyone else. I think it’s just the little voices in my head. I’m always the strong one and everybody knows it. Maybe I need to give myself permission to let go. I’m sure there’s some psychoanalysis to be done there, but I’ll leave that up to the professionals. :)
February 24th, 2005 at 12:58 pm
Fear of the loss of loved ones drove me to read about Buddism. Christianity gave me no comfort because my parents are not Christian, and I don’t believe in heaven or hell anyway. If Jesus really is the Way, the Truth and the Light, then everybody I know, including myself, is bound for darkness.
The point of religion for me is to place death in a context that can be tolerated by the human mind.
I think depression is a natural reaction to reality, and without myth to mire ourselves in some false optimism, we have only some sort stoic attitude to fall back on, or else drive ourselves mad.
For me the key is in nonattachment to any person, place, or thing without losing my compassion for others at the same time.
February 24th, 2005 at 1:00 pm
correction to the above…not “everybody I know”, just most that are closet to me. Sorry for the hyperbole.